It was a clear Friday afternoon one early fall
Elmer left work and heard the wilderness call
Packed his radio, cigarettes, beer, and gun
He arrived in the mountains at a cabin in the woods
Switched on the radio, to get into the mood
And the gentle night slowly passed him by

Now, deep in the same neck of the woods
Lived an old Poppa Bear in a friendly neighborhood
He was no fool, he was no slouch, and he surely was no square
But he abhored humans who came trampling around
Filling the forest with the most ugly sounds
Never knowing when enough is enough

Not that he thought that hunting's fun
He had been chased by many a gun
But Lawrence Welk is really way too rough

When he was young he had to travel around
With a band of carnies going from town to town
And his trainer tought him a big bag of tricks
Which worked in New York and in Baltimore
Worked on the rich and worked on the poor
And at each and every little County Fair

And if it don't work on this here hick
His very special super-trick
He'd swear: He ain't no bear

He went to the cabin close before sunrise
Stopped at a window on the cabin's side
And watched Elmer pose in front of the crystal clear
Caressing his gun, tilting his cap,
Dancing around an old wolf-trap
Taking a swig from a bottle of Blue Ribbon beer

Now, Poppa Bear has seen them come and go
But this here really stopped the show
So he stepped onto the porch and started his routine

POCK POCK POCK POCK POCK –
"Who's there?"
"It's a mean old grizzly bear!"
POCK POCK POCK POCK POCK –
"Whaddaya want?"
"I came to eat with hide and hair!"
Elmer dropped his gun and started to run
Out the back door to his car and drove a 101
Stiff as a brick into the rising sun

There comes a time in everyman's life
He has to decide, whether he is left, center, or right
So Elmer sat down and he made up his mind:
To quit hunting, stop eating meat,
When someone walked a dog he changed the side of the street
And he watched in calm when mosquitos sucked him dry

Some friends wondered, what might have
happened to him
What made him change from an alpha to
a weakling wimp
Whoever asked got the same reply
They looked at him: "You mean a talking bear??"
Elmer thought that they're not fair
But his friends just couldn't believe the reason why

POCK POCK POCK POCK POCK –
"Who's there?"
"It's a mean old grizzly bear!"
POCK POCK POCK POCK POCK –
"Whaddaya want?"
"I came to eat with hide and hair!"
They looked at him: "You mean a talking bear??"
Elmer thought that they're not fair
But his friends just couldn't believe the reason why